


The Tale of how Tony Stark adopted a Sophomore and things escalated

by Deercryptic



Series: Dumb Marvel Social Media Fics [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)
Genre: Alternative Universe - High School, Angst at times, Bisexual harry Osborn, Crack & Humor, F/F, F/M, Female Peter Parker, Howard Stark’s A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, Maria Stark’s A+ Parenting, Michelle Jones Is a Good Bro, More Characters are there but I don’t feel like tagging them all rn, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Other, Pansexual Harley Keener, Pansexual Peter Parker, Peter Parker is a Good Bro, Protective Avengers, Skip Westcott is His Own Warning, Teen Avengers, Teen Peter Parker, Teen Tony Stark, They’re all teenagers, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker’s Big Brother, alternative universe - no powers, fluff & humor, they joke about being father and daughter but they have a big brother little sister relationship rly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2020-05-16 03:12:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19309465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deercryptic/pseuds/Deercryptic
Summary: StevenThicc: oh noStevenThicc: Tony adopted a freshman





	1. Chapter 1

**AssVengers**

**StevenThicc:** oh no 

**StevenThicc:** Tony adopted a freshman 

**Tony Stank:** she’s a sophomore she’s adorable and I’ve known her for one day and if anything happened to her I’d kill everyone in this chat and then myself 

**Ole’ Town Rhode:** Most seniors: Screw Freshman 

**Ole’ Town Rhode:** Tony: adopts a freshman 

**Tony Stank:** first of all, she’s a sophomore.

**Tony Stank:** second of all, would you rather me screw freshman?

**Ole’ Town Rhode:** fair Enough 

**Tony Stank:** Besides!!! You’re an uncle now!!!! And nat you’re gonna adore her!!!  Pep you too

**Pepe:** Add her then? 

**Tony Stank Added Penny Parker**

**Penny Parker:** um hello? 

**Tony Stank:** this is my daughter 

**Penny Parker:** o-oh? 

**Penny Parker:** oh! You’re the senior who looked at me and said “oh my god it’s a baby” 

**Tony Stank:** where the fuck are your manners indtrudce yourselves to my child 

**Pepe:** “indtrudce” 

**Tony Stank:** let me live

**Pepe:** No.

**Tony Stank:** but I have a reason to live now

**Pepe:** Fine.

**Pepe:** anyway, I’m Pepper Potts and it’s nice to meet you penny!

**Penny Parker:** hi nice to meet you Pepper!

**Ole’ Town Rhode:** I’m James Rhodes But my friends call me Rhodey but since you’re Tony’s daughter it’s uncle Rhodey k?

**Penny Parker:** k :)

**Pepe:** you’re adapting to this well Penny Parker

**Tony Stank:** Penny Stark But Carry on

**Clintness EverDean:** I’m Clint Barton And I’m also you’re uncle 

**Naffty:** I’m Natasha and you’re adorable 

**Penny Parker:** thank you! 

**Tony Stank:** Told you so!

  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**AssVengers**

 

 **StevenThicc:** sorry to cut the instructions short but I haven’t seen you around before?

 **Penny Parker:** oh! I just came here from being home schooled :/ so technically this is my first time in an actual school and let me tell you this isn’t high school musical

 **Tony Stank:** oh my god my baby is so precious

 **Wam swilson:** how come you were home schooled for so long? Also hi I’m Sam Wilson btw

 **Penny Parker:** my family is kinda poor so we couldn’t afford the school fees and a bunch of bad things were happening during that time and when my uncle passed it became a but harder to support us. But I got sponsored for Here and everything has been payed off for us :) we still had to get the school supplies n stuff but other than that we got lucky.

 **Chucky:** You don’t have to answer this but how did your uncle pass? Also hi I’m bucky Barnes

 **Penny Parker:** we were walking home and we got jumped in an alleyway, He got shot protecting me.

 **Chucky:** I’m so sorry for your loss.

 **Penny Parker:** thank you.

 **Tony Stank:** you said bad things tho?

 **Penny Parker:** I’d rather not tell you about that, yet.

 **Tony Stank:** understandable my child.

 **Penny Parker:** thank you dad

 **Tony Stank:** I’m gonna cry

 **Penny Parker:** pls don’t :((( also if you’re my new dad you’re gonna have to go thru my aunt

 **Tony Stank:** text her abt me and then send a screenshot

 **Penny Parker:** k

 

**< 3 Aunt May <3**

 

 **Penny:** aunt May

 **May <3: **please don’t tell me you got suspended already

 **Penny:** no but a senior adopted me

 **May <3; **Penny, I’d love for you to read those words you just typed and sent out for me please.

 **Penny:** Aunt May I’m not joking I have an uncle Rhodey and uncle Clint

 **May <3: **….

 **May <3: **and you’re going along with it?

 **Penny:** He seems nice and he’s definitely not Skip. I promise. He has a bunch of friends who adore me already for some reason.

 **May <3: **you have the affect on people

 **May <3: **bring him over after school

 **May <3: **and when I told you to make some friends this wasn’t what I meant but go off I guess.

 

**AssVengers:**

 

 **Penny Parker: [ Penny:** aunt May

 **May <3: **please don’t tell me you got suspended already

 **Penny:** no but a senior adopted me

 **May <3; **Penny, I’d love for you to read those words you just typed and sent out for me please.

 **Penny:** Aunt May I’m not joking I have an uncle Rhodey and uncle Clint

 **May <3: **….

 **May <3: **and you’re going along with it?

 **Penny:** He seems nice and he’s definitely not Skip. I promise. He has a bunch of friends who adore me already for some reason.

 **May <3: **you have the effect on people

 **May <3: **bring him over after school

 **May <3: **and when I told you to make some friends this wasn’t what I meant but go off I guess.]

 

 **Tony Stank:** it’s like going to meet the parents but I’m going to meet my child’s aunt instead

 **StevenThicc:** that exactly what it is

 **Tony Stank:** shut up

 **Tony Stank:** uh I got to go to chemistry and I fucking hate chem

 **Penny Parker:** I’m pretty good at chemistry I can help you?

 **Tony Stank:** I suddenly love chemistry

 

**AssVengers But a few hours later**

 

 **Tony Stank:** a few hours of being a dad: had to fend off my child from a bully and I felt like a literal bear

**Naffty changed Tony Stank to Mama Bear**

**Mama Bear:** fair enough

**Naffty Changed Penny Parker to The Cub**

**The Cub:** aight

 

**Mama Bear >>> The Cub**

 

 **Mama Bear:** so tell me a lil bit of yourself?

 **The Cub;** um, I’m good at chemistry but you already know that, I know everything about Star Wars even tho I prefer Star Trek instead. I have a pet spider named jerry and I cant listen to country music

 **Mama Bear:** why not country music

 **The Cub:** I violently Convulse

 **Mama Bear:** o-oh okay no country music

 **The Cub:** oh and my nickname my friends give me as a Joke is Spider-Woman or Spider-Girl

 **Mama Bear:** cause of jerry?

 **The Cub:** yes and no, to actually get out n do stuff my aunt and uncle put me in gymnastics for a little while and I was the best at flips n stuff. Then I had to be taken out so I started doing parkour and I had to run from the police a few times by climbing and scaling buildings which gives me a heck of a thrill. Mr. Morales catches me sometimes but he just shakes his head and lets me go. He says I could be a superhero if I put it to good use.

 **Mama Bear:** aight Spider-Girl I see you not what I was expecting from someone that looks like how you look tbh

 **The Cub;** dude you have no idea also tell me about you know I feel like I should know my dad

 **Mama Bear:** I’m Tony Stark, I hate my dad. I’m good at welding and mechanics and tbh I wanna just start my own company instead of inheriting Stark Industries so I don’t have to make weapons. I have a daughter which is you. My best friends is a twink named Bruce Banner a scary lady named Natasha and my aunt Peggy can kick anyone’s ass.  

 **The Cub:** you don’t have to follow your dad footsteps to inherit S.I.

 **mama Bear:** but it’s the Stark Legacy???

 **The Cub:** Legacy’s change, wait till your dad retires or hands it to you then do a 180 on him

 **Mama Bear:** oh

 **Mama Bear:** oh I like you

 **The Cub:** you kinda have to cause that’d suck if you didn’t

 **The Cub;** also your superhero name is Ironman now deal or no deal

 **Mama Bear:** deal

 

**AssVengers**

 

**Mama Bear Changed to Ironman**

**The Cub changed to Spider-Woman**

 

 **StevenThicc:** um

 **Ironman:** it’s a father daughter thing you wouldn’t understand Steven.

 

**-**

 

**AssVengers**

 

 **Science twink:** I don’t come to school for a day and Tony adopts a child

 **Ironman:** Brucie!!!

 **Ironman:** also If you hadn’t stayed out of school and lied about being sick to get dicked down by your mystery man then you would have been there to meet my daughter.

 **Science Twink:** kabkdx sknenddnnd I don’t deserve to be called out like this

 **Ironman:** tragic

 **Science Twink:** yeah your life is

 **Ironman:** LWNDKXNJSNSJXNSNQK

 **Science Twink:** :-)

 

-

 

**AssVengers**

 

 **StevenThicc:** who the fuck ate the last red white and blue sprinkled donut

 **Ironman:** [picture of a white creamed and red blue and white sprinkled donut with a bite taken out of it]

 **Ironman:** oh you mean this?

 **StevenThicc:** ….

 **StevenThicc:** What, did I say. Would happen if someone took the last red blue and white dount?

 **Ironman:** idk, idrk.

 **StevenThicc:** oh you should care

 **Spider-Woman:** guys please don’t fight :(

 **Ironman:** …

 **StevenThicc:** …

 **Pepe:** do as she says before me and Nat feed you your own bones

 **Ironman:** we won’t fight anymore

 **StevenThicc:** we won’t fight anymore.

 

-

 

**AssVengers**

 

 **Ironman:** May Parker is terrifying

 **Spider-Woman:** Told you

 

-

 

**Two Nerds and one cool nerd**

 

 **Spider-Woman:** I got adopted by tony Stark

 **Poison Ivy:** we saw that

 

-

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aight tell me, I’m going back and forth between Rhodey, steve, Stephen, bucky, or Clint for Tony and Loki or Thor for Bruce. I haven’t thought of any other characters but I’m also considering Harry or Harley for Penny. Let me know your thoughts. 
> 
> Also poison ivy is MJ Incase you got confused:) bc if I ever did a DC au MJ would be poison ivy and I think zendaya as poison ivy is awesome in general 
> 
> Sh... should I do a Harley Quin!Penny with Poison Ivy!MJ? Fic? Now? I’m probably gonna do it but I want encouragement.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We adding Harley and Harry to the mix 👀👀

**Two nerds and one cool nerd**

 

**Needle:** you come to school??? For one day??? And then tony Stark becomes your friend??

**Spider-Woman:** I guess????

**Needle:** that’s cool and all but don’t leave us

**Spider-Woman:** ofc not!! You and MJ are my family. Besides, I've only known them all for literally a day compared to the lifetime I’ve known u and MJ. Tony could offer me all the money he has (which is a lot I’m assuming) and I wouldn’t take it!!! 

 

-

**AssVengers**

 

**Pepe:** I just saw Jones shed a single tear and look up to the ceiling??? I’m worried???

**Wam Swilson:** which Jones there’s like 50 

**Pepe:** uh Michelle I think

 

-

 

**Two nerds and one cool nerd**

 

**Poison ivy;** Parker. I have a reputation to uphold.

**Spider-Woman:** m’sorry But rly love u guys!!!! 

**Needles:** we love u too penny!!!

**Poison ivy:** bb9 marathon tn…

**Needles:** wow MJ actually asking instead of dropping hints??

**Poison ivy:**  I will skin you alive with a rusty spoon

**Needles:** YOKES

**Spider-Woman:** yokes

**Poison ivy:** yokes

**Needles:** let me live

**Poison ivy:** no

**Needles:** pwease I’ll do anything uwu owo 

**Spider-Woman:** Ned bb 

**Poison ivy:** anything?

**Needles:** yes

**Spider-Woman:** honey

**Poison ivy:** then perish 

**Needles:** I set myself up

**Spider-Woman:** you set yourself up. Head to mine after school?

**Poison ivy:** yep 

**Needles:** it’s yup. But yup meet you there 

 

**AssVengers**

 

**Spider-Woman:** dw that was just me and Mj and Ned having heart to hearts.

**Pepe:** oh okay

**Ironman:** oh wait you’re friends with Michelle Jones 

**Spider-Woman:** yea she and Ned are the only friends I had thru out my entire childhood 

**Rove Sogers:** aw that’s sweet

**Rove Sogers:** who the fuck changed my mind 

**Science Twink:** :)

**Spider-Woman:** but yes I’m friends with Michelle or MJ as she lets us call her. And I Love Her.

 

-

 

**Blint:** honestly I’d let Tony raw me any day

**Ironman:** ?? Thanks I guess???

**Rove Sogers:** i’d let tony step up on me 

**Slut strut:** I’d deep throat him

**Ironman:** ALNDKDNJWSN

**Ironman:** BUCKY

**Slut Strut:** what

**Ironman:** ….meet me at the Denny’s parking lot 9:30 tn I’m sneaking out

**Slut Strut:** ;) 

**Spider-Woman:** despite being just the littlest bit traumatized again, how do you know which Denny’s he’s talking about

**Rock n Rhode:** Denny’s, Freshmen year on a Thursday. 

**Spider-Woman:** ah, I get it.  Me and my friends had an experience like that but it was a Macy’s Parkin lot.

 

-

 

**Two Nerds and one cool nerd**

 

**Spider-Woman:** skdnkdndjajd a hot blonde came up and said hi to me and I think I squeaked more than talked.

**Poison ivy:** did he say ya’ll

**Needles:** did he mention anything abt potato guns

**Spider-Woman:** yes??? 

**Poison ivy:** yup that’s Harley Keener. He’s from Tennessee and he’s good buddies with Stark.

**Spider-Woman:** oh!!

**Poison ivy:** he’s also a player 

**Spider-Woman:** oh :((

 

**Like thirty minutes later:**

 

**Spider-Woman:** another one came up to me he had blue eyes and black hair super cute

**Poison ivy;** yeah I saw that, that was Harry Osborn. 

**Spider-Woman:** ….. 

**needles:** pen? You okay it’s been like thirty minutes?

**Spider-Woman:** yes sorry I’m fine but I just remembered that my mom worked at Oscorp and I got a little sad I guess. Is he a player too?

**Poison ivy:** eh kind of. Not as much as Keener. He’s had two serious relationships. Once durin freshman year and one during sophomore year. But other than that its just been hookups

**Spider-Woman:** oh okay

**Poison Ivy:** he and Stark’s fathers hate each other and TS and Harry both kind of hate each other too.

**Spider-Woman:** DAMNIT 

 

**Potato**

 

**Potato:** who the fuck is THAT snack that u’ve been hangin around

**The Mechanic:** first of all, never type out u’ve to me ever again. Second of all. Her name is penny Parker and she’s my child so don’t try it.

**Potato:** okay :)

**The Mechanic:** Harley 

**Potato:** :))

 

-

 

**Rove Rogers:** no one tell tony that Harry Osborn was talking to penny 

**Blint;** aye aye captain

 

-

 

**Spider-Woman:** so if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly happened at Denny’s on a Thursday freshman year

**Ironman:** hoe don’t do it

**Rock n rhode:** I’ll tell you

**Ironman:** oh my god 

**Rock n rhode:** but I wanna know about the Macy’s deal 

**Spider-Woman:** hm…. hang on a second.

 

**-**

 

**Two nerds and one cool nerd**

 

**Spider-Woman:** okay listen, I’m about to get black mail material on my new friend tony. Something about Denny’s, freshmen year.  And on a Thursday but in return one of them wants the Macy's story. Yes or no?

**Poison ivy:** I vote yes I can use this to my expense 

**Needles:** as long as you send us the screen shots yes

 

_ Read  _

 

-

 

**AssVengers**

 

**Spider-Woman:** it seems we have a deal good sir.

**Rock n Rhode:** good, now. Like I said this happened at Denny’s on a Thursday and freshmen year….

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw I’m going off of marvels Spider-Man series where Harry has black hair/blue eyes because that’s what I’ve always pictured him as before I saw the Spider-Man pictures from sonys movies.
> 
> Also we seein some thirty three for Tony. 
> 
> And a start of either Parkner or Parksborn


	4. This chapter is for sbiderowman and sbiderwoman alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Peñata: long story short, my friend set a Pedophile on fire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo  
> Yeah
> 
> I tried making up funny concepts I thought maybe y’all would like and that really didn’t work so I just... sat down and wrote whatever I thought was funny
> 
> Also!!! This chapter contains skip!!! 
> 
> But yes sbiderwoman I lived for your comments ily

**Rock n rhode:** so, Tony is high as fuck okay

 **Rock n rhode:** (I am too but that isn’t important because I’m not a dumb bicth when high)

 **Tony Stank:** fuck you

 **Rock n rhode:** I’m not a pedophile

 **Tony Stank:** I’m legal????

 **Rock n Rhode:** not with that fucking attitude you’re not. Anyway shut up I’m trying to Humiliate you.

 **Tony Stank:** we can tell you used Siri James, humiliate is has a cap h

 **Rock n Rhode:** I SAID SHUT UP

 **Rock n Rhode:** anyway, it’s a Thursday, we’re at Denny’s. He’s high as fuck and this like my second week of knowing him so I obviously don’t know what I’m getting myself into.

 **Tony Stank:** rude 

 **peñata:** it’s true 

 **Peñata:** why do our usernames keep changing randomly 

 **Thork** : my brother hacks in and changes them to piss of Stark since he can’t get him to stop

 **Peñata:** understandable, continue.

 **Rock n Rhode:** anyway, we’re at Denny’s and this little like fucking 11 year old who’s name was Quentin comes up and just randomly starts talking, and back when tony was actually a little nice he answered a few questions but then told him to knock off. Naturally of course, he didn’t.

 **Rock n Rhode:** so Tony got fed up, and reached into his underpants and yanked them up

 **Rock n Rhode:** so

 **Rock n Rhode:** hard

 **Rock n Rhode:** that 

 **Rock in Rhode:** they

 **Rock n Rhode:** got 

 **Rock n rhode:** LODGED

 **Tony Stank:** hehehe

 **Rock n Rhode:** so we ended up having to take him to the hospital and remind you we’re both high as fuck, so we’re trying to explain what happened while this 11 year old is loosing His goddamn mind besides us, red faced and all and then tony starts loosing his mind laughing because it hit him what he done and now IM laughing and then the kids parents show up and our parents show up and Howard tries to hit tony and but mama pulls off her slipper and beats him with it while Maria is trying really hard not to laugh, Howard ends up with a minor concussion because momma has a soft spot for tony some fucking how. 

 **Rock n Rhode:** so that’s all cleared up mostly, Howard pays them off. We all go home and try to sleep.

 **Rock n Rhode:** and we go back to the Denny’s like a week later and when we do all the workers just dead stop before one starts crying

 **Rock n Rhode:** turns out it was the manager who watched the whole thing 

 **Rock n Rhode:** apparently she was friends with the owner and told her about who thought it was equally as funny so now we get free Denny’s.

 **Peñata:** That

 **Peñata** : That was amazing.

 **Wan Slison:** now, Macy’s?

 **Peñata:** right right right, okay so. Short version, my friend lit a pedophile on fire. 

 **Science Twink:** *markiplier voice* I’m sorry?

 **Peñata:** yup, and before I get into this story I have to remind you that the part of Macy’s being abandoned is really important.

 **Peñata:** right so, me, MJ, and Ned are all hanging out at an abandoned Macy’s lot cause we’re all bored and MJs parents are out for the weekend and apparently we’re all grown up enough _™_ to look after ourselves with a couple of facetime calls from each of our parents and guardians (in my case) 

 **Peñata:** so it’s getting a little late, we say hey let’s go back but sum college kid stops us, but not just any college kid. I know this kid, he did bad things to me and I hadn’t told anybody but Ned and MJ 

 **Peñata:** (it gets funnier I promise.)

 **Peñata:** Ned and MJ puff up while he’s there doing like the protective circle thing from the croods

 **Rove Stogers:** an underrated movie 

 **Peñata:** you are correct 

 **Peñata:** im freaking the fuck out naturally, so I back away, trip. And don’t get up like sum fucking girl out a horror movie, MJ who always has matches on her for reason I’m too afraid to ask at this point, runs around and throws something on him (to this day I don’t know what) and lights the matches.

 **Peñata:** he loses his fucking mind

 **Peñata:** my flight or fight response finally kicks in and I like… ninja kick him? Idk how to explain it and he stumbles back and is punching himself trying to get out the flames

 **Peñata:** he breaks and falls through the Macy’s glass, which is, not in fact. Abandoned.

 **Peñata:** the Macy’s alarm bells start going off and within twenty minutes  the cops are out and we have to explain what happened, dude goes to jail, MJ gets her matches taken away. And that’s how I put my child r*pist in jail.

 **Slur strut:** that was fucking amazing

 


End file.
